Trash Talk

Alec Baldwin:  Hello, John.

John Krasinski:  Hey, quick question: are you a Phillies fan now, since you guys couldn't get Cliff Lee, and he went to Philadelphia for less money?

Alec Baldwin:  First of all, Yankee fans don't consider Philadelphia to be a legitimate sports town, John, you know that.

John Krasinski:  I'm worried for you. Are you prepared for what's coming? It's going to be the worst misery you've ever experienced in the history of this rivalry.

Alec Baldwin:  John, John, John, for the last time, this is not a rivalry. Just like fire doesn’t have a rivalry with kindling, lawn mowers don’t have a rivalry with grass, America doesn’t have a rivalry with Costa Rica.

John Krasinski:  (forced laughter) Ha, ha, ha. Lemme ask you something, seriously though. How are you a Yankees fan at all? It’s like being a huge fan of fascism. 

Alec Baldwin:  No, it’s like being a huge fan of winning—which we do—relentlessly.

John Krasinski:  Pfft, not this year, man.  Not this year.

Alec Baldwin:  Cla-ssic Red Sox fan.  Go ahead, celebrate in April—we’ll dance in October. 

John Krasinski:  You will be dead in October!

Alec Baldwin:  ….

John Krasinski:  …Was that a little too much?

Alec Baldwin:  I think you know it was.

John Krasinski:   Sorry, I just got—really worked up.

Alec Baldwin:  (beat)  We all do.

Confessions of a Red Sox Sympathizer

I may get into trouble with my family for writing this. In the spirit of free speech, however, I will risk life and limb to write it. First off, I will answer your question: NO, I am not a Red Sox fan--I never was a Red Sox fan and I will never be a Red Sox fan. I am a Yankee fan by birth and will remain one until I die. The paradox of these facts is that the movie Fever Pitch is one of my guilty pleasures, I went to college in Boston, my favorite baseball game to watch is the Bronx Bombers vs. the Sawx, and Fenway Park will always be a sacred site to me. Red Sox fans are probably the lowest forms of life out there, i.e. obnoxious scum--but I get it. I will explain.

There is a profound difference between Yankee fans and people who root for that team from Boston. Whereas Yankee fans derive their team spirit from positive things like our fervent belief that our team is the best, Red Sox fans fuel their fandome on the negative karma of Yankee-hating. (If you don't believe me, check out all the "Yankees Suck" T-shirts and other tchotchkes out there). Hatred of the Yankees and jealousy of their reign over the last century is where the Red Sox and their cheering section find their will to fight, despite an over-80-year losing streak. The Yankees, on the other hand, need only their 27 World Series Championship rings to remind them that they are the best team in baseball, hands down.

I sympathize with Red Sox fans, however, because I, too, am a fan of the great game of baseball. I get what it means to be crazy about your team, to love watching them play, and to feel like the world is out of balance when they lose. That's why I have a hate-love relationship with Red Sox fans (but mostly hate)--I admire their gumption and passion for their team, despite a near-century-long drought. I get their traditions and their theme songs because we have some of our own, too. I admire their beaten up, never-say-die stadium that holds so much history--one of the last three ballparks still standing where Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and Joe DiMaggio played--especially now that my Cathedral of Baseball was torn down and replaced, as if replacement were possible. When you go to Fenway Park, you feel like you have traveled back in time to 1927. Where else can you go and feel that? Further, put the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox opposite each other on any baseball diamond and you've got yourself a recipe for the best game ever.

There is probably only one thing that a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan have in common: a love of the game. A die-hard Red Sox fan may despise me, but that's alright because I completely get it. We're not that different. Fuhgeddaboudit--I can't stand your team, either.