A Word to the Wise

I've gotten pretty good at cutting people out of my life who have hurt me: my count is up to four to date.  What does this say about me?  If someone really knew me, I think they would say that it means that I have been too open, too trusting, too naive with people that I don't know from Adam.  In the past, I have welcomed unknown people with open arms and allowed them to get to know me deep down before I really knew if they were trustworthy. I have served up my heart on a platter for them to do with what they choose, friends and romantic interests alike. Four of these people turned around and either handed it right back to me, or proceeded to stomp on it and hurt me deeply.

Going forward, I know now that I should be less naive about the ways of the world.  I think that it's good to take risks, but it's also healthy to reevaluate those risks and take a step back.  It's worthwhile to be a little cautious in making new friendships and forging new relationships, because what do you really know about these people, anyway?  Going forward, it is important to remember that people can talk a big game, but I should let their actions speak for who they truly are.  I want to remember to go with what my gut feelings tell me, because they are more often right than not. I shouldn't let fear of getting hurt again rule my interactions with the world, but I also should not throw caution to the wind.

The Flaky Friend: Deal or No Deal?

The flaky friend. Everyone has them. Some put up with them. Others write them off as soon as they themselves are written off. They have a bad rap, but some friendships may be saved despite flakes' despicable habits of treating you like you don't matter.

I have about three good friends who are flakes, and one better friend who is becoming a flake. While I have ditched some flakes in the past, I don't cut these particular friends off completely because I love them dearly and I have tremendous fun when we are together. There is a formula to figure out if a flake is a true friend or a jerk that you should brush off yourself. After all, why should you be subjected to such treatment time and time again? Keep in mind that friendships are situational: one person's flaky friend could be another's ex-friend.

Ditch the Flake or Stay and Play?
Answer yes or no to the following questions.

1. Is your friendship a two-way street? Do you see this give-and-take relationship continuing in the future, despite a less-than-perfect present?
2. Is your friend's habit of flakiness a recent development?
3. Are you comfortable enough to confront your friend about their bad behavior? Do you think he/she will be willing to listen and make an effort to be less of a flake?
4. Are you willing to have a less close friendship with this person until they finish whatever project they are so consumed with (i.e. undergraduate thesis, master's degree, new boyfriend)? What if that "project" is a permanent fixture (i.e. a child, a husband, a demanding career)?
5. Do you feel appreciated in this friendship more than you feel brushed off or unimportant?

If you answered "yes" to most of the questions, then I would advise that you stick it out with your flaky friend; it seems that this is a true friend with a lot on their plate who needs a little wiggle room. Don't be afraid to call them on their flaky behavior, however: let them know that it hurts you when they ignore you, do not call you back, or keep ditching your appointments last minute. Be understanding of their busy situation, but do not let yourself become a doormat.

If you answered "no" to most of the questions, ditch the sorry sack! Or at least distance yourself from this person who does not make you feel like the million bucks you are worth. As the wise Oprah Winfrey once said, "Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher." You deserve better than the way they treat you. I promise you there are better friends out there who will appreciate you for who you are. Why should you sit home on a Friday night because of this rude dude?

Some remedies for post-flaky friendship: Go out there and meet some new people--it will make you feel better than you have in awhile. Call a friend you haven't spoken to in a few months--maybe they are waiting for their flaky friend (that's you this time) to become available. Spend some time with your family. You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your family! Might as well develop those relationships as well.